It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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