I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
