if i can run in heels then i can drive
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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