I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
