I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
