i think i have two assholes
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
