Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
