Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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