He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
