I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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