i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
