i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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