i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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