I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
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we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
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Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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