After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
