So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Floor bacon is actually really good
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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