thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
