when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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