mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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