why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
He kissed a someone with a penis
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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