You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
