I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
