did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
