i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
