I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I still have a little drunk in my system
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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