i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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