I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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