I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
