I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
