Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
My vagina is very pro this idea
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
