Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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