ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
