So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
