we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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