im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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