Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We are all done wearing pants today
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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