i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
