I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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