She said her name was "party"
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
