Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
