I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
