Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
