I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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