I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
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Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
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How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!