i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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