He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
