Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
