i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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