After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
