Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
