There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
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It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
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I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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