What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
