i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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