the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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