I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Do vagina's smell?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
