Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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