Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
